Birthday!
When I turn 25 next May (not much more than 6 months to a quarter century – how depressing) I’m having a 20th anniversary of my 5th birthday. Sure I stole the idea, but it will still be amazing. Everyone must wear party dresses and give me colouring books as presents. There will be rice krispie buns, fizzy drinks full of carcinogens, a cake that my Dad only remembered to make an hour beforehand and lots and lots of chicken – because even when I was five, I knew my vices.
Diane Connolly is not invited because she told our mums that I bit her and I actually didn’t. I didn’t even know I liked biting ‘til I was at least 16. She once brought porridge to school in her pencil case because she didn’t have time to eat her breakfast. I think we all know who to believe on this one.
It’s going to be a shocking sight because I knew lots of girls when I was five but now mostly I know boys – still I think some of them could look good in dresses. I’m going to send out children’s party invitations so you must let me know your address. I am from a time before you had to invite everyone in your class to be inclusive, which I’m not sure how I feel about. My Mum invited everyone anyway – presumably because she thought she was Jesus and had designs on feeding the 500.
I would like a balloon, but it’s not mandatory, and we will play Catch and Hide and Go Seek, and Tip the Can – but not kiss catch because we are five. You can bring your mums if you want and they can have tea in the living room with my mum. Or they can pick you up after. I hope they’re not late – that drives my mum proper mental, because she’s ‘not a bloody babysitter’.
Won’t it be lovely?
The only thing is, I don’t have my house anymore, and I’ve never had a birthday without my garden. I’m not sure where we’re going to take pictures of everyone having a great time, or where we’ll go when the washing up is being done. We’ll work something out. Try to sing Happy Birthday very fast and don’t even do the jolly good fellow bit – people looking at me makes me so fidgety and hot.
